Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
