Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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