There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
