So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
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I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
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When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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