Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Randomize
