the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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