he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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