i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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