if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
