i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
