i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
