I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
