My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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