i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
