Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
