Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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