Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
