im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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