3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Ambien. No doubt about it.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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