Already got asked if we're dating
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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