Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
