fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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