Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
