Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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