On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
then he tried to convert me to islam
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
