Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
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He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
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You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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