My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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