I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
