I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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