Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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