I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
