omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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