Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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