A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Damn victory sex feels great
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
