I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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