May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
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Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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