my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
