the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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