He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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