No awkward lesbian experiences without me
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
