you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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