I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
