I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
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