Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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