the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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