I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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