i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
