In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
