Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
