I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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