i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
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My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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