i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
