people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
