Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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