My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
