Got a toothbrush?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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