the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
