I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
