cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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