bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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