how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
love makes seman taste better
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
